As Scrooge said to the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, "Spirit, are these the shadows of things that will be, or things that may be?"
With that important question in mind, here are some things that might happen this week in The Speculist:
Monday
Charlie Brown and Linus will set off across town in search of a Christmas tree to use for their play. When the results are deemed unsatisfactory by the rest of the gang, Charlie Brown will stalk off with the tree in tow muttering, "Well, next time get your own damn tree, beeyotch."
Tuesday
Um, if you haven't lined up your Drummers Drumming, Pipers Piping, and (especially) Lords-a-Leaping by now, you're probably not going to make it. You might drop by your local Hooters and persuade some of the waitresses to fill in as Ladies Dancing and/or Maids-a-Milking, but you didn't get the idea from me. Hint: the five gold rings is all she's really interested in, anyway.
Wednesday
A big day. A lot can happen.
Uncle Billy will accidentally hand Old Man Potter the $8,000 he was about to deposit wrapped up in a newspaper and immediately realize his mistake. The resulting brawl between a stupid old drunk guy and wheelchair-bound-Barrymore will be a truly ugly site, and will end up on a Fox show where they take clips from security cameras and put funny music behind them.
The attorney for a patient at new York's Bellevue Hospital will introduce sack loads of mail as evidence that his client is not insane. (A later ploy to slip the judge a $1 bill to somehow prove the same thing will be rejected as stupid and illogical.) In making his ruling, the judge will tell about how the US Postal service has screwed up his Christmas cards the last four years in a row, and can't be considered an authority on anything but making grown men wear dorky looking shorts. It will be back to the padded cell for Kris.
Our intrepid adventurers will make their way back to the North Pole from the Island of Misfit Toys only to find that, under the right conditions, a luminescent nose isn't that much help. With his sleigh newly outfitted with halogens, Santa will head off into the night still chuckling about "that red-nosed freak."
Also, we'll have a new chapter of Stillness.
Thursday
Good bless us, every one.
Friday
In honor of Boxing Day, we'll spend some time discussing just what the heck Boxing Day is.
Saturday
As of this day, we can all be sufficiently sick of eating Christmas-related food. If there's any more of that Figgy pudding left...let it go, man. Just let it go.
Also, there may be some actual blogging, including an interview with AI George Bush.
Posted by Phil at December 22, 2003 09:47 AM | TrackBackHaving worked in the Hooters fanchise for going on a decade now, I can say for a fact, and this is something we should all keep in mind this holiday season, that the young women (and some men) who make up the serving corps at all the Hooters restaurants worldwide are just good ole country gals working their way through nursing school. So "ladies dancing"? You won't find those at Hooters (it's actually against company policy as dictated in the "Who's Yer Hooters Handbook"). But "maids a milking"? That's pretty much the whole shebang.
DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed herein are not those shared by Hooters Restaurants International or anyone else for that matter. Lies, lies, it's all just a damn lie.
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But perhaps the next Charlie Brown special should see ole Chuck, Linus, and Shroeder becoming regulars at the local Hooters and causing quite a stir back at school. Charlie insists that he goes there strictly for the wings (which he thinks are actually quite good). To which the teacher replies, "Bluh bluh. Bluh bluh bluh bluh. Bluh bluh." Lucy, in order to dominate her relationship with Charlie, applies for a job at Hooters, but gets turned away when the manager says, "Honey, ya ain't got nothin' a Hooters girl needs."
Posted by: blacknail at December 23, 2003 09:31 AM