The Speculist

Be a Long Liver

Tomorrow, Cambridge professor Aubrey de Grey will be telling us about serious scientific work that he's doing in search of a cure for human aging. In the mean time, the FastForward Posse presents a list of practical life-extension techniques that you can try right now. You'll note that actual anti-aging suggestions are interspersed with ideas for feeling and acting younger. It's all a package, folks.

Also, we know we need to work on the attitude of the ringleader who submitted items 3, 9, and 13. Mike, here's a life extension tip just for you: lighten up, dude.

FastForward to Life Extension

1. Be a scientist or engineer. It turns out they live longer. Who knew?
   
   
2. Solid colors are your friend — no patterns.
   
   
3. I've got one word for you: implants. The bigger, the better. Something to put the bop back in those tube-sock boobs. Something to resurrect that chin from that pool of neck. Something to elongate, bolster, emphasize, downplay, brighten, and otherwise fix what materialized after millions of years gene pool tic-tac-toe. There's also the creams and ointments that put the youth back in your face, thigh, neck, butt, foot, hand, chest, and...elsewhere. Gagillions of workout and diet regimes with the gigagillions of dollars to go with them. The list goes on forever. If I could just be stronger, smoother, littler, thinner, faster, pithier, better in bed, more like him, less like her, blah, blah, blah...
   
   
4. Get a bicycle. The exercise will make you healthier and riding it will make you feel like a kid. You'll probably want to avoid busy streets (or this could really backfire as a life-extension strategy).
   
   
5. Highlight your hair.
   
   
6. Eat like a freaking sparrow or super-model or something. Calorie restriction is the only approach that has been clinically proven to slow aging (for mice, that is.)
   
   
   
   
7. Make sure your friends are all at least five years older than you. Ten is better; fifteen is ideal. You'll look younger by comparison.
   
   
8. Get your teeth whitened.
   
   
9. Get some mid-life crisis accessories. You know, the fast car, loose woman, new toy, old flame sort of thing. This is the stuff that goes beyond (but usually with) looking young; it's feeling young. People might do anything to give them a sense of renewal or power. That's really what it all boils down to: renewal and power. Those are things we had we were young: the ability to bounce back, that sense that you can make a difference and had the power to do so; just an overall resiliency. That's what people want to have back. It's a sort of sentimental longing for those salad days when everything was so much better than they are now. Except the only reason everything was so rosy back then, is because you were probably too ignorant to realize how bad it really was.
   
   
10. Have an affair with someone 10-15 years your junior. Not recommended for those under, say, 35. Not recommended for married people. Important tip: get out early, before the age difference dawns on both of you and you begin to feel older.
    
    
11. Improve your posture. (Yoga really helps.)
    
    
12. Live in Andorra, Japan, or San Marino. If you live in Malawi, Mozambique, or Zambia, move.
    
    
13. To live younger, you must embrace reality with the same vitality you had in your youth. Take everything that life has to offer and charge ahead. Everything hasn't turned out quite right, this is true, but to be truly young, who really gives a flying crap. Look at any child. Are they agonizing over a failed life? Are they contemplating the value of their existence? Hell no. They take what the get because they really have no idea what they're missing out on. Strive for reckless abandon. Strive for seeing things for the first time. Strive for break, bend, burst, bust because you were just too damn curious. Strive for noticing nothing at all. It's really all there is anyway.
    
    
14. Lycopene.
    
    
15. Above all, moisturize.
    
    
16. Hedge your bets. Have a good backup plan just in case you do die.

Thanks to Posse ringleaders Mike, Suraya, and Vick for helping to compile this list.

Next week, Alex Lightman is going to introduce us to a coming brave new world of ubiquitous wireless networks and computers embedded everywhere in our environments, including on our persons. If you have any thoughts on how we can enjoy the benefits of "jacking in" today, send them on to me. If one of your ideas is included in next week's FastForward, you will receive no compensation to speak of. However, you will be admitted as a member in full standing of the FastForward Posse.